24 hours in a day and 24 beers in a case. Hmmmm...
4 food groups: Fast, frozen, microwaved, and junk.
96.7% of all statistics are made up.
A bad habit is nothing more than a mistake repeated.
A cheerful friend is like a sunny day.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered mind.
A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
A cynic smells the flowers and looks for the coffin.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
A dog is the only thing on this earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
A friend is long sought, hardly found and with difficulty kept.
A good rule to follow is to do unto others as though you were the others.
A grouch is a person who somehow can manage to find something wrong with even the good old days.
A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
A lot of us would like to move mountains, but few of us are willing to practice on small hills.
A man isn't complete until he's married. Then he's finished.
A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work unless it's open.
A pessimist is never disappointed.
A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
A truly contented person enjoys the scenery along a detour.
A truth that's told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
All that you do, do with all your might. Things done by half are never quite right.
All the world's a stage, but most of us are stagehands.
All work and no play will make you a manager.
Always glad to share my ignorance. I've got plenty.
Always hold your head up, but keep your nose at a friendly level.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always smile. It makes people wonder what you're up to.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
An honest politician is one who STAYS bought!
An obstacle may be either a stepping stone or a stumbling block.
An optimist is a person who sticks on the stamp before addressing the envelope.
Another reason you can't take it with you: It goes before you do.
Anyone who thinks there's safety in numbers hasn't looked at the stock market pages.
Anything worth doing is worth getting someone else to do.
Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Bachelor: A man who never makes the same mistake once.
Be cautious. Opportunity does the knocking for temptation too.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Behind many a successful man is an exhausted woman.
Better to be square than to move in wrong circles.
Between each dawn and setting sun, set aside some time for fun.
Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.
Black holes really suck...
By the time somebody decides to make a long story short, it's already too late.
Chess players mate better.
Children who could be seen and not heard have been replaced by those who can be heard even when they're out of sight.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers can never replace human stupidity.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Contentment is contagious.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Dime: A dollar with all the taxes taken out.
Discoveries are made by not following instructions.
Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.
Do all you can and trust God to do what you cannot.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Doing you best is more important than being the best.
Don't bother me.  I'm living happily ever after.
Don't give someone a piece of your mind unless you're ready to live with what's left.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Don't waste time and energy setting your hopes for your children higher than your example.
Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"
Doubt your doubts instead of your beliefs.
Drivers' licenses do not revoke walking privileges.
Elbow grease gives the best polish.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
Every silver lining has a cloud.
Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter much since nobody listens.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everything changes except change.
Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it.
Everything in time is birth to some and death to others.
Everything inspires but some things more than others.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Experience: What you get when you don't get what you want.
Family reunions sometimes leave us with feud for thought.
Fear of becoming a has-been keeps some people from becoming anything.
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.
Forget the troubles that passed away, but remember the blessings that come each day.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Forgiveness is like sunshine after a rainy day.
Four are the things I am wiser to know: Idleness, sorrow, a friend and a foe.
Friend: Someone who likes you even after they know you.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Gentleness and kind persuasion win where force and bluster fail.
Giant oak trees started out as little nuts that held their ground.
Give what you have; to some it may be better than you dare to think.
Gossip: Letting the chat out of the bag.
Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for getting old.
Grandchildren are our revenge for rotten children.
Happiness can't buy you money.
Happiness is a way station between too much and too little.
Happiness is nothing more than health and a poor memory.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why take a risk?
Have a nice day, unless you've made other plans.
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
He who hesitates too long, must change his underwear.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
He who sows courtesy reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Heaven won't have me and Hell's afraid I'll take over.
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
How did an educational system that put so much emphasis on penmanship produce so many doctors?
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
I have to stop now, my fingers are getting hoarse.
I am built for comfort, not speed!
I am free of prejudices, I hate everyone equally.
I am not young enough to know everything.
I can't diet for medical reasons, it makes me HUNGRY!
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I know my mind and it's around here someplace.
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
I like dogs, too. Let's exchange recipes.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
I think, therefore I am. I think.
I think. Therefore I'm DANGEROUS.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure...
I want everything; do you have it??
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.
I'm dangerous when I know what I'm doing.
I'm in shape. Round is a shape, isn't it?
I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I'm miserable without you, it's like having you here.
I'm no stranger, just a friend you haven't met...
I'm not a complete idiot, several parts are missing.
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
I'm not dead. I'm organically challenged.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
I'm still trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
I've got a Mickey Mouse PC with a Goofy operating system.
I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.
I've seen better conversations in alphabet soup.
If God shuts one door, He opens another.
If I save the whales, where do I keep them?
If I save time, when do I get it back ?
If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
If at first you do succeed, hide your astonishment.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If cows could fly, everyone would carry an umbrella.
If everything went like clockwork, the ticking would drive us nuts.
If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing.
If it works, tear it apart and find out why!
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
If television shows continue the way they're going, the public will soon be demanding longer commercials.
If the grass is greener in the other fellow’s yard, let him worry about cutting it.
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
If you can't be good, be careful.
If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.
If you really want the world to beat a path to your door, try taking a nap.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you're looking for a long rest, be on time for an appointment.
If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
If your parents didn't have children, you probably won't either.
Illiterate? Write for a free brochure!
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Sign in a non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you're on fire and take appropriate action.
Sign in a veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death.
In the eyes of a child, there are 7 million wonders of the world.
In the good old days, Uncle Sam lived within his income, and without most of ours.
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on.
In today's world, anyone who isn't confused just isn't thinking straight.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
It's better to hold out a hand than to point a finger.
It's better to know some of the questions and all of the answers.
It's easier to admire hard work if you don't do it.
It's never too soon to be kind, for we never know how soon it will be too late.
It's all fun and games, until someone loses an eye!
It's always a good idea to seek the advice of others, but that doesn't mean you have to take it.
It's easy to tell when you've got a bargain. It doesn't fit.
It's not just a hobby, it's an obsession!
It's not only quiet people who don't say much.
Joy is not in what we own, it's in what we are.
Junk: Stuff we throw away. Stuff: Junk we keep.
Justice: A decision in your favor.
Last year I made a list of things that I resolved to do. I'll use that list again this year, it's still as good as new.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: Use birth control!
Life in a vacuum sucks.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.
Life is not a cabaret. It's a circus.
Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.
Lost time is never found again.
Lottery: A tax on people who don't understand statistics.
Love conquers all, except poverty and toothache.
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
Money talks but all mine ever says is goodbye.
Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
Make tomorrow another day and not today's sequel.
Marriage is like any other job. It's much easier if you like the boss.
Marriage is made in heaven, so is thunder and lightning.
Marriage is not a word: It's a sentence.
Maybe people should swap problems. Everyone, it seems, knows how to solve the other guy's.
Maybe the reason so many folks have their backs to the wall is that they have been putting up too much of a front.
Menstruation, menopause, mental breakdowns... ever notice how all our problems begin with men?
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Minds are like parachutes, they only work when open.
Mondays are the potholes in the road of life.
Money is the root of all evil. Send $30 for more info.
Monopoly? No, we just don't want competition.
Most of us know how to say nothing, but few of us know when.
Multitasking: Reading in the bathroom.
My girlfriend said I never listen to her, or something like that...
My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.
Network: What fishermen do when not fishing.
Nature is the art of God.
Never assume. It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me".
Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist!
Never knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run! Death hates that.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never run after buses or women: You'll always get left behind.
Never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
No brook is too little to seek the sea.
No man who has caught a big fish goes home through an alley.
No person ever advanced by traveling in reverse.
Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
Nobody notices when things go right.
Nostalgia: Life in the past lane.
Nothing is as hard to do as getting off your high horse.
Nothing is so simple that it can't get screwed up.
Nothing is wrong with you that reincarnation can't cure.
Okay, I'm weird! But I'm saving up to be eccentric.
OUT TO LUNCH. If not back at five, OUT TO DINNER!
Oh Lord, give me patience, but give it to me RIGHT NOW!
Sign on maternity room door: Push, Push, Push.
On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK."
One of the advantages of being disorderly is that you are constantly making new discoveries.
One person's error is another person's data.
One today is worth two tomorrows.
One third of the people in this country promote, while the other two thirds provide.
Optimist: Someone who doesn't know all the facts yet.
Our deeds determine us, as much as we determine our deeds.
Out of the mouths of babes come things parents never should have said.
Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with it.
People are very open-minded about new things as long as they're exactly like the old ones.
People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
People who look for the easy way out seem to have trouble finding an exit.
People who think they know everything can be a pain in the neck to those who really do.
People with patience put up with people they'd rather put down.
Philosophers can be divided into two groups: Those who divide philosophers into two groups, and those who don't.
Pick your friends, but not to pieces.
Politics: Poli (many) -- tics (blood sucking parasites).
Raising kids is like building buildings. You've got to spend time with them.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
Reality is that part of the imagination we all agree on.
Reality is the playground for the unimaginative.
School is a building that has four walls with tomorrow inside.
Seen at an Optometrists Office: If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place.
Seen on a fence: Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive.
Show me a man with both feet on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't put his pants on.
Since she won't live forever, why give her a diamond?
So many lawyers, so few bullets.
Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the fire hydrant.
Some people have eyes that see not and ears that hear not, but never tongues that talk not.
Some people know lots more than they tell. Some don't.
Some people treat their religion like a spare tire. They never use it except in an emergency.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
Success has a simple formula: Do your best, and people may like it.
News at 5: Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
THE GOLDEN RULE: He who has the gold makes the rules.
Tact is the ability to close your mouth before someone else wants to.
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
Talk is cheap, until you talk to a lawyer.
Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
The best attitude to have is gratitude.
The best defense against logic is stupidity.
The best thing you can spend on your children is time.
The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas.
The biggest problem with perfection is what to do with all the unused erasers.
The body of a dead enemy always smells sweet.
The buck doesn't stop these days. In fact, it doesn't even slow down.
The difficulties of life are intended to make us better, not bitter.
The easiest way to find something you've lost is to buy a replacement.
The easiest way to have your family tree traced is to run for public office.
The government solution to a problem is usually as bad as the problem.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the light of an oncoming train.
The more you say, the less people remember.
The most difficult part of getting to the top of the ladder is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
The most expensive component always breaks first.
The most important ability is availability.
The one thing worse than a quitter is the person who is afraid to begin.
The only good thing about free advice is that the price is right.
The only real difference between an oral and rectal thermometer is the taste.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
The only thing shorter than a weekend is a vacation.
The people who are hardest to convince they're ready for retirement are children at bedtime.
The prevailing attitude these days seems to be if you don't finish first, you're last.
The rich get richer; the poor get babies.
The right to do something does not mean that doing it is right.
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
The smallest deed is better than the greatest intention.
The trouble with car payments is that they sometimes continue running after the car does.
The virtues of being punctual are largely offset by having to wait for people who aren't.
The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.
Therapy helps, but screaming obscenities is cheaper.
Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
There are 3 kinds of lies: Lies, damn lies & statistics.
There are 4 kinds of liars: Lies, damn lies, lawyers and politicians.
There are many ways of going forward, but there is only one way of standing still.
There is no great success without great commitment.
There is no happiness for people when it comes at the expense of other people.
There is one art of which man should be master: The art of reflection.
There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it.
There must be more to life than sitting there wondering if there is more to life.
This is just a hobby. Perfection is not required. Fun is.
Time is not an enemy unless you try to kill it.
Time slows if you're on the outside of the bathroom door.
To err is human, to forgive is simply not our policy.
To disagree, one doesn't have to be disagreeable.
To think too long about doing something often becomes its undoing.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!
Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence.
Truth has only to change hands a few times to become fiction.
Two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen and stupidity.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
UFO's are for real; the Air Force doesn't exist.
Vuja De: The feeling you'll be here again later.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Was today really necessary?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
We come in peace. Shoot to kill.
We do not inherit the Earth from our ancestors. We borrow it from our children.
We do what we can but it's never enough.
We never miss the music till the sweet-voiced bird has flown.
Wedding: A funeral where you smell your own flowers.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull.
What on earth is a "free gift"? Aren't all gifts free?
Whatever you delete today, you desperately need tomorrow.
When I can't handle events, I let them handle themselves.
When a pessimist has nothing to worry about, he worries about why he has nothing to worry about.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
When you feel terrific, notify your face.
When you kill a bug, ten more come for the funeral.
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
Why does the person that snores always fall asleep first?
Why is it that when we bounce a check, the bank charges us more of what they already know we don't have any of?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
Wisdom is knowing what to do next; virtue is doing it.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Work as though everything depended on you, and pray as though everything depended on God.
Work is for those who have nothing better to do.
Worry pulls tomorrow's cloud over today's bright sunshine.
Years wrinkle the skin, but lack of enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.
You are young and useful at any age if you are still planning for tomorrow.
You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
You can't raise much of anything if you don't raise a little sweat.
You can't turn back the clock but you can wind it up again.
You make more friends by being interested in them than by trying to get them interested in you.
You're only young once; you can be immature forever.